What We Really Need When We Think We Need Someone to Love Us
March 9, 2020
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Who of us has not at one time or another thought that our lives would finally work once someone else loves us? Respects us? Treasures us? Is committed to us? Has our back? Or who interests us?
How sly our ego mind can be at hiding things in places where we can never find them!
What I’ve discovered through personal experience and through my work with clients is that these “When I finally… (meet my husband etc.), then I’ll finally…(be happy, feel enough, know I’m wanted etc.)” beliefs disempower each of us who hold them in two ways.
The first way is that they invariably make our feeling good/happy/enough/interesting (you name it) be conditional upon something that’s OUTSIDE US. When we say “When I finally meet my soulmate I’ll finally feel happy and know I’m lovable” we are unconsciously telling ourselves we don’t have permission to feel happy or to know we’re loveable until we meet our soulmate.
All of a sudden, and often unconsciously, we give power over our deepest beliefs and feelings – how we see ourselves and how we feel in the world – to someone or something outside us which means something over which we have NO CONTROL.
Yikes! What an unnecessarily disempowering way of being with ourselves!
The second way this “When I…then I’ll…” set-up disempowers us, is that by waiting and withholding our happiness or the belief that we’re lovable (or whatever it is we’re withholding from ourselves) until that thing we’re yearning for arrives, we unconsciously show up over and over again as undeserving of the very thing we are wanting!
Picture it: how magnetic is someone sitting there telling themselves “I will only be happy and know I’m enough once I’ve finally found my beloved?” There’s a pulling energy from them, isn’t there, without them even opening their mouth?
And just so we’re crystal clear here – we’ve all been this person ladies and gents – so this is a chance for self-compassion and humor as much as anything else! The choice is who will you be now you’re aware of this moving forward?
Now picture another person sitting there, only this person has decided to let themselves feel happy and to KNOW they are loveable whether they’re single or partnered. How friggin magnetic are THEY?? Yummy!! Can you feel yourself wanting to get to know them automatically? There’s no pulling energy and this consciousness and way of being is HOT and attractive because there’s room for you to come towards them. And there’s no sense that they covertly want to make you responsible for their feeling of happiness or sense of lovability. Which is the covert agenda, conscious or otherwise, of the first person we sat with who wants, no needs, your love so they can finally let themselves feel happy and enough.
Does this make sense?
Are you ready to never ever show up this way again?
Then go ahead and ask yourself: What feelings or beliefs am I making conditional upon a thing or person outside myself? Write down as many answers as you can find.
A list might include:
When I finally get a raise I’ll know I’m a valuable employee.
When I finally lose 30 pounds I’ll know I’m attractive and able to start dating.
When my boyfriend calls me every day I’ll know I’m valuable.
When my family finally pays meaningful attention to me during a visit I’ll finally be happy.
When my partner finds me interesting I’ll know I’m not boring.
When my husband finally treats me with respect I’ll know I’m worthy of respect.
And so on…(see if you can identify at least 5 of these conditional beliefs & feelings)
Now let’s do something radical.
Let’s have you flip each of these on their head. And let’s commit together to agreeing to let ourselves FEEL and BELIEVE everything that brings us into our power and into our best feeling states NOW. Ok? I’m game if you’re game.
So your new list might look like the following:
I commit to knowing the value I bring regardless of what my employer sees or not. And I commit to finding an employer who sees my value properly if this one does not. Regardless, I affirm my intrinsic value whether I’m working or not.
I am attractive exactly as I am; my magnetism has everything to do with how I see myself and I choose to see myself as beautiful now – inside and out.
Whether my boyfriend calls me or not, I affirm that I am infinitely valuable. I treat myself and my time as valuable and if this person proves unable or unwilling to do the same, I’m willing to let him go to make room for someone who honors my value happily.
I choose to feel happy now, whether my family pays meaningful attention to me now, or ever. And I claim my right to limit my time spent with anyone who doesn’t value intimate connection as much as I do.
I choose to find out what activities make me feel alive and make me interested in my own life. As I do this, I find myself interesting, regardless of how my partner sees me, which feels great. As a side bonus, most people cannot help but find interesting those people who are actively exploring exactly what turns them on in life. So double win!
I’m worthy of respect NOW. Period. And any long-term partner whom I choose to stay with will feel that and happily treat me as such. I commit to respecting myself NOW profoundly – honoring my feelings and needs now and every day. I am willing to release from my life, or greatly lower my expectations of, anyone who doesn’t show me the respect I deserve.
Take a breath as you look at your new list and notice – how do you feel?
How does it feel to RECLAIM your power to FEEL ANYTHING and BE ANYTHING you choose to feel or be before the thing you thought would bring it to you arrived?
Pretty awesome, ey?
And guess what? The more you commit to allowing these feelings and affirming these empowering truths about yourself, the more likely those things you wanted to manifest externally are likely to appear! Partners who find you enough just the way you are are so much easier to come by when you are finding yourself enough the way you are first.
So there you have it; each time you notice yourself wistfully wishing for something or someone outside you would make you feel something or believe something about yourself, I want you to get into a serious practice of asking yourself how might I begin giving myself the thing I thought someone/something had to give to me first? And then I want you to start giving it to yourself – whatever it is – whether it’s a feeling you are loved, respected, treasured, worthy of commitment, or that your needs matter or someone finds you interesting and deserving of attention. I want you to start giving this to you now.
Because the truth is only YOU can actually give this to you in any meaningful, identity transforming way. And then the fun begins when people start wanting to give you the very thing you’re already giving yourself! It’s frosting on your cake – but hey, we’re becoming magnificent receivers, aren’t we? So yes thank you, we’re more than happy to receive all the healthy love, respect, admiration, commitment, and juicy presence that you want to give us! So feel free!
As always, feel free to send me a shoutout letting me know what you take on giving yourself NOW instead of waiting for someone/something outside of you to give it to you, one day if you’re lucky!