I want to start by acknowledging the fact it’s been 3 months since I’ve been in touch.
I’ve missed you & want to introduce the reason I’ve been so quiet…
Meet my son Sasha (aka Alexander) who just turned 12 weeks: ❤️
I want to share a bit about how this little man came to be in my life in the hopes it will serve you powerfully in manifesting your own miracles.
Ever since I was 20 I knew I wanted to be a mom.
Even when I had no reason to believe I would ever be able to create a healthy partnership I was clear I wanted to share my heart with a special human who God felt would benefit from growing up inside my love.
But the truth is the path I walked the last two decades was fraught with obstacles.
A year after I married my former husband I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34. And I was told that the chemo needed to save my life would leave me infertile.
Then after I fought & won my battle with cancer, my husband announced he wanted a divorce & wouldn’t allow access to the 6 healthy embryos we’d made before chemo in the peak of my fertility.
I felt devastated. Enraged. Bitter & helpless.
I couldn’t understand how a person could take away access to the one thing they knew mattered to someone else the most.
And for months I lived inside this bitterness.
But one day before bed, I heard the voice of my Spirit Baby speak to me.
“I’m still here” said the voice of a little boy.
But why? I asked. It’s too late.
“No it isn’t” he said.
I asked him what his name was (Alexander he said) & got clarity on exactly why he wanted to come through me – including the specific role I’d play in supporting his soul’s expression in this lifetime.
And for the first time since my divorce, I opened myself to the possibility that maybe this miracle could happen after all.
But as they do, more challenges came too…
The reproductive endocrinologist told me after examination I was in chemo menopause & there wouldn’t be any point in attempting IVF.
And for a while I believed her.
But one night I felt a subtle tugging in my belly & somehow I knew it was my body cycling.
I insisted the endocrinologist examine me again.
She did & we both dropped our jaws when the ultrasound revealed follicles – meaning I was in fact cycling – just with invisible periods. 🙏
That day I recommitted to myself and Alexander I would do everything in my God-given power to prepare my spirit, mind & body to let him come through.
What followed was a Masterclass in surrender I had no idea was coming.
The truth is I’d grown so attached to being a mother I was abandoning my own inner child – denying us pleasure or joy until we had the baby I felt we needed to be happy.
After one cycle of IVF where an embryo fertilized but turned out to be genetically abnormal, the feeling of loss was so monumental I remember looking over a cliff and wondering if I’d be better off dead.
As I witnessed devastating thoughts like these I realized my approach to allowing this miracle had to change.
I saw I could continue abandoning myself – giving away all my power & joy to whether or not I could become a biological mother.
Or I could make the choice that had always been hardest for me – to love myself fully & completely – regardless of whether I died without meeting my Spirit Baby.
That night I sat in bed holding my heart & connected with the pain my unwillingness to love myself unconditionally was causing me & my inner child. I felt how hurt, betrayed, & abandoned by me she felt as I’d pursued the goal of motherhood at her expense.
And in that moment I made the decision to be willing, despite massive resistance, to love my inner child & me truly & completely regardless of whether we ever became a biological parent.
I put on Spotify & devoted an entire ecstatic dance session to loving her with all of me.
I welcomed her grief through tears as we moved. And for the first time since my divorce & I gave myself permission to welcome the joy & pleasure I found was also present.
I remember how cherished & honored she felt when we finished.
That week I scheduled another round of IVF. And I did so knowing that whatever the results were, I’d be fine. I was willing to pay the price of more potential grief & helplessness because I knew I would no longer choose to stay there.
My new deeper commitment was to cultivating joy & inner connection no matter what.
Several weeks later I got a text from my doctor.
The genetic results of the embryo that fertilized were back & this one was 100% genetically healthy.
I had a healthy little embryo I could implant when I was ready.
And it was a little boy. 🙏
I wept with disbelief.
I hadn’t realized how badly Spirit wanted me to surrender my covert agenda for motherhood so it could give me the gift, but inside a container where I was consistently open to joy regardless.
I spent the next few years preparing myself mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.
And last fall when I felt fully ready, I got pregnant with my post-chemo miracle baby.
And late this May this little guy showed up (Alexander in the flesh – who I lovingly call Sasha for short to honor our Eastern European roots): ❤️
Since his birth, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it took to manifest this deepest desire of my heart.
And through this journey to motherhood, I feel I finally understand what’s required for God/Spirit to birth (literally & figuratively) major miracles through us.
Love,
Anastasia
