👶🏻🍼🧸 Meet my son & post chemo miracle

I want to start by acknowledging the fact it’s been 3 months since I’ve been in touch.

I’ve missed you & want to introduce the reason I’ve been so quiet…

Meet my son Sasha (aka Alexander) who just turned 12 weeks: ❤️

I want to share a bit about how this little man came to be in my life in the hopes it will serve you powerfully in manifesting your own miracles.

Ever since I was 20 I knew I wanted to be a mom.

Even when I had no reason to believe I would ever be able to create a healthy partnership I was clear I wanted to share my heart with a special human who God felt would benefit from growing up inside my love.

But the truth is the path I walked the last two decades was fraught with obstacles.

A year after I married my former husband I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 34. And I was told that the chemo needed to save my life would leave me infertile.

Then after I fought & won my battle with cancer, my husband announced he wanted a divorce & wouldn’t allow access to the 6 healthy embryos we’d made before chemo in the peak of my fertility.

I felt devastated. Enraged. Bitter & helpless.

I couldn’t understand how a person could take away access to the one thing they knew mattered to someone else the most.

And for months I lived inside this bitterness.

But one day before bed, I heard the voice of my Spirit Baby speak to me.

“I’m still here” said the voice of a little boy.

But why? I asked. It’s too late.

“No it isn’t” he said.

I asked him what his name was (Alexander he said) & got clarity on exactly why he wanted to come through me – including the specific role I’d play in supporting his soul’s expression in this lifetime.

And for the first time since my divorce, I opened myself to the possibility that maybe this miracle could happen after all.

But as they do, more challenges came too…

The reproductive endocrinologist told me after examination I was in chemo menopause & there wouldn’t be any point in attempting IVF.

And for a while I believed her.

But one night I felt a subtle tugging in my belly & somehow I knew it was my body cycling.

I insisted the endocrinologist examine me again.

She did & we both dropped our jaws when the ultrasound revealed follicles – meaning I was in fact cycling – just with invisible periods. 🙏

That day I recommitted to myself and Alexander I would do everything in my God-given power to prepare my spirit, mind & body to let him come through.

What followed was a Masterclass in surrender I had no idea was coming.

The truth is I’d grown so attached to being a mother I was abandoning my own inner child – denying us pleasure or joy until we had the baby I felt we needed to be happy.

After one cycle of IVF where an embryo fertilized but turned out to be genetically abnormal, the feeling of loss was so monumental I remember looking over a cliff and wondering if I’d be better off dead.

As I witnessed devastating thoughts like these I realized my approach to allowing this miracle had to change.

I saw I could continue abandoning myself – giving away all my power & joy to whether or not I could become a biological mother.

Or I could make the choice that had always been hardest for me – to love myself fully & completely – regardless of whether I died without meeting my Spirit Baby.

That night I sat in bed holding my heart & connected with the pain my unwillingness to love myself unconditionally was causing me & my inner child. I felt how hurt, betrayed, & abandoned by me she felt as I’d pursued the goal of motherhood at her expense.

And in that moment I made the decision to be willing, despite massive resistance, to love my inner child & me truly & completely regardless of whether we ever became a biological parent.

I put on Spotify & devoted an entire ecstatic dance session to loving her with all of me.

I welcomed her grief through tears as we moved. And for the first time since my divorce & I gave myself permission to welcome the joy & pleasure I found was also present.

I remember how cherished & honored she felt when we finished.

That week I scheduled another round of IVF. And I did so knowing that whatever the results were, I’d be fine. I was willing to pay the price of more potential grief & helplessness because I knew I would no longer choose to stay there.

My new deeper commitment was to cultivating joy & inner connection no matter what.

Several weeks later I got a text from my doctor.

The genetic results of the embryo that fertilized were back & this one was 100% genetically healthy.

I had a healthy little embryo I could implant when I was ready.

And it was a little boy. 🙏

I wept with disbelief.

I hadn’t realized how badly Spirit wanted me to surrender my covert agenda for motherhood so it could give me the gift, but inside a container where I was consistently open to joy regardless.

I spent the next few years preparing myself mentally, emotionally, & spiritually.

And last fall when I felt fully ready, I got pregnant with my post-chemo miracle baby.

And late this May this little guy showed up (Alexander in the flesh – who I lovingly call Sasha for short to honor our Eastern European roots): ❤️

Since his birth, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it took to manifest this deepest desire of my heart.

And through this journey to motherhood, I feel I finally understand what’s required for God/Spirit to birth (literally & figuratively) major miracles through us.



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